REMEMBERING WHEN: The revenge of the vending machines

By Keith Schell

Even though we’ve all used them at one time or another, vending machines are the “Rodney Dangerfield” of the machine world — they get no respect. We take them for granted when they work and take our frustrations out on them when they don’t. And when a vending machine withholds a snack that was paid for, I’ve seen it take more hits from a customer than a boxer in a championship bout.

It was only a matter of time before these machines, tired of the abuse they take, found a way to get back at us. To paraphrase a famous movie line: the vending machines are getting “mad as heck, and they’re not going to take it anymore!”

I have a feeling that all the vending machines in the world communicate with each other. They share information about the people who treat them poorly. And once the word is out, those people face endless problems trying to get their snacks from any vending machine after that.

But the more the vending machines withhold products out of spite, the more abuse they begin to take — especially in the workplace. It’s kind of a vicious circle.

One Monday morning at work, I went to the cafeteria for breakfast. Our plant was large enough to have a full-service cafeteria that served breakfast and lunch to employees during weekday shifts. It also had a row of snack machines and an old plunger-style cigarette machine to serve both the day and night shift employees at their convenience.

I was one of the first to enter the cafeteria that morning and was greeted by a shocking sight: the tempered-glass face of one of the snack vending machines had been vandalized.

Apparently, someone on the weekend night shift didn’t get their snack and, in a fit of sleep-deprived rage, struck the tempered-glass face. While it held in place, the safety glass fractured into a million tiny pieces. Realizing what he had done, I have no doubt the perpetrator vacated the cafeteria in a big hurry. Discovering the damage on the day shift, the food services company was not amused when they billed the plant to replace the glass.

Another time, during a break on the graveyard shift in the middle of the night, a co-worker wanted a pack of cigarettes from the old-style cigarette machine. He put his money in, pulled the plunger and received … nothing.

Enraged, he began attacking the machine — punching and kicking it before turning it on its side and beating on it some more. But like a stubborn prisoner resisting a physical interrogation, the cigarette machine refused to give up anything.

Even more enraged, the worker enlisted another person to help him pick up the machine and turn it completely upside down. They began to shake it vigorously, much to the amusement of the handful of other people in the cafeteria.

Finally, the upside-down cigarette machine relented and spat out a pack of cigarettes. They weren’t the brand the guy wanted, but at that point, he didn’t care — he just wanted his nicotine fix. Once he saw the pack hit the floor, his attack finally ceased. After picking up his cigarettes, he and his buddy turned the cigarette machine right-side up again and ever so gently set it back into place.

With all the abuse that vending machines endure, the only way they can get back at their abusers is by withholding products. We had a temperamental coffee machine in our cafeteria that, if it didn’t like you, would sometimes dispense the coffee first and then drop the cup afterward. And some nights, it didn’t like a lot of people.

And how often does your bag of chips or candy bar get stuck in a vending machine, refusing to drop down to the retrieval slot? The machine’s attitude might be: “You were mean to me last time, so this time you can’t have your snack. But if the next person is really nice to me, they can have two snacks for the price of one!”

And if your snack finally does fall into the retrieval slot, the machine might wait until you put your hand in to grab it and then slam the door down on your hand. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the vending machine — they take their revenge wherever they can.

So, the next time you don’t get your snack from a vending machine, maybe there’s a reason. Perhaps the last machine you mistreated spread the word, and now they’re all conspiring to withhold your snacks as payback. Not that I’m a conspiracy theorist, but sometimes you have to wonder.

To all the people out there who have trouble getting their snacks from vending machines: maybe try being nice to your vending machines, and maybe they’ll be nice back to you as well.