Check It Out: Forgiving those who put trash in our baskets

By Joan Janzen

Kids are often mini versions of their parents. When my kids were growing up, one of them looked at a childhood photo of his friend’s dad and said, “Wow! Your dad looked just like you! When you get old you’ll probably look just like him.” His friend replied, “Yeah, kind of sad, isn’t it?”

Not only do children look like their parents; they also imitate them. A friend shared how his two-year-old watched him make his morning Keurig coffee. A few minutes later, he discovered she had climbed up on the counter and was making herself a cup of coffee.

As a kid, I remember listening to morning radio segments of “Kids Say the Darndest Things” by Canadian-born entertainer Art Linkletter. When he asked a four-year-old if she knew how to pray, the youngster began reciting the Lord’s Prayer. One line went like this: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

This past week, a number of people confided in me about the trash being put in their baskets. I’m not a therapist, but I do know it’s important to forgive. However, this past week I heard a sad story of waiting until it was too late.

A woman who had stopped communicating with her parents discovered both parents had died within a couple of months of each other. She heard about their deaths from a friend who had read her dad’s most recent obituary online and reached out with condolences. It was a huge shock.

I shared the story with my sister, who said when she had patients on their deathbed, she would ask if they would like to contact any estranged family members. Ninety per cent of the time, they would agree, and a touching reconciliation and reunion would follow.

While speaking on the subject of unforgiveness, Franklin Jentezen, an author and pastor, compared it to a tumour. “You act like you don’t have it, but everybody sees it,” he said. It may be an invisible tumour, but it’s big and it’s sore. “And sometimes people touch that part of your life and you overreact because it’s so sensitive.”

He said you could be arguing with your spouse, but your reaction isn’t because of what was said; it’s because your spouse touched that sensitive tumour. And some people have multiple tumours.

This is just a random thought, but could this be what is causing the hostile political divide we’re witnessing? People hold a grudge against a political figure for something, and every time a comment touches that sensitive tumour of unforgiveness, they overreact. It’s just a thought.

That’s not to say anyone needs to agree with what was said or done.

But like Vlad Savchuk, pastor and author, observed, “If you spend less time feeding that grudge, you will be able to spend more time nourishing new and healthy ideas. Holding on to a grudge does feel like you’re in control, but in reality you’re being controlled.”

He also said some people hold on to a grudge because their offender has done nothing to deserve forgiveness. Many people hold back their forgiveness because they are waiting for an apology, but that apology may never come.

I listened to a mother share her story of forgiveness after losing her only child. Her 20-year-old son was shot to death during an argument at a party. The 16-year-old killer was tried as an adult, sentenced to 25 years, and served 17 before being released.

A few years prior to his release, the mother, Mary, asked if she could visit the young man, who I’ll call Dylan because I can’t remember his name. In an interview, Dylan recalled the first words Mary said to him: “You don’t know me. I don’t know you. Let’s just start with right now. I was beyond myself.”

Mary continued to visit him regularly. After his release, she invited him to move into the apartment next to hers. Today they don’t just live close to one another; they are close to one another.

“Unforgiveness is like a cancer. It will eat you from the inside out. It’s not about that other person. Me forgiving him does not diminish what he’s done. Yes, he murdered my son, but the forgiveness is for me,” Mary explained.

And it hasn’t been easy for Dylan either. “I’m learning how to forgive myself for what I’ve done,” he said. He works at a recycling plant during the day and goes to college at night. He’s determined to pay Mary back by contributing to society. He speaks at prisons about the power of forgiveness, and their story is living proof of its power.

“Forgiveness is not forgetting. You won’t necessarily be healed immediately, but the process of healing can begin,” Vlad Savchuk observed.

Neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf advised, “After someone hurts you, there’s a structure in your brain that literally increases in power when you think about the person who hurt you. Forgiving someone disentangles them from your head. Thoughts are real things that occupy space in your head, and they grow. Every time you think of that person, it increases the power they have over your thought life. By forgiving them, you cut off that power.”

A psychology professor who taught a group of fifth graders about forgiveness collected her students’ comments. “Forgiveness helped me be nicer to my brother,” one kid said. “Forgiveness has made me more calm,” said another. “I like forgiveness because it taught us not to wait until it’s too late to forgive,” concluded a fifth-grade student.

Those are valuable lessons to learn at a young age. When children watch their parents and grandparents forgiving people who put trash in their baskets, they’ll be more likely to imitate that behaviour and benefit from the personal freedom it offers.